To The Friend I Wish Was Not


Image: Unsplash / Sean Quinlan

I’m not one of those sentimentalists that will keep people hanging around, no matter how toxic they are, just because we once laughed together. I’m exaggerating a bit but you get the point.
The more I remember, the more I see that I was one of your pawns. Just one of the friends you keep for quick favors. Just a means to an end. I was too excited to have friends I can hang out with everyday that my mind bypassed so many trigger warnings. 
I know that money can’t buy friends but, come to think of it, all those favors included money and I guess I, in a way, bought your friendship. It’s a twisted way of thinking about things but, right now, I’m seeing our dynamic without any emotions attached. Why? Because that’s what it feels like. I feel like there’s nothing to feel, nothing to lose. I already feel like I lost you years ago and am just now finding the words for it. You were part of my growth and I will be forever grateful for your role in that part of my life. But I have to cut people out.
I’m at an age that I just don’t care for petty talks. I want genuine conversations with genuine people that I’m genuinely interested at. There is just something that shifted in the paradigm, the matrix, that I can’t quite pinpoint. Drifting away seems like the most natural course to take so that’s what I’m doing. I’m letting the forces that be steer me wherever — away from you or a long detour to you in the future, I drift willingly.